Guilt. A feeling similar to trying to navigate your way through a dark room, just waiting for your eyes to adjust, but they don't. A feeling eating you away inside as your palms become sweaty and your vision blurry, the guilt turns to stress. Why? Why you, why do you feel this way? What have you done? Nothing. You have absolutely no reason to feel 'guilty' and you have done nothing wrong. Looking back, I haven't been imprisoned by the anxiety for the 17 years I have been on the planet. I miss the times i felt pure joy.
The warm, sweet smell of pancakes wafts through my open bedroom door as I sit up in bed, awake as ever. Skipping into the kitchen, joy and excitement for the new day, beaming off me like the suns strong, hot rays. "Morning sweetie" as my mom squeezes my 6 year old self into the side of her body, making sure her large, pregnant belly doesn't get in-between us. The excitement of becoming a big sister is engulfing. Not realizing then that I cannot protect my baby sister, being so fragile and defenceless from everything. It is a slow build up that takes place in order for a dam to break. And once that dam is broken, it will never be the same. We are not prepared as young children that all our happy thoughts can so quickly snap out of your fingers, and just change. No one told us that to every happy thought there would be 100 bad ones to bring you down, down so far you can't get back up. All you want is silence. For the voices, the screeching, yelling voices to just be quiet. For just enough time to catch your breath. But you can't. You can't turn the volume down because everything is too intense and you can't even turn your thoughts into words. People may say it's a form of torture, but torture is watching another being, a young being you love more than anything go through this. There defenceless body curled up tight, in a ball rocking back and forth mumbling words you can't quite hear due to the raised voices in the real world. A loud CRACK in the drywall and all goes silent. In a moment of terror, you thoughts slow slow down for just a moment as you wonder again, Why? Why her? Why does she deserve this? That moment is when my protection instinct emerged and I realized I had to keep treading. I was not allowed to break down, I will always have to be strong for her, she is my baby sister. Love always, Me.
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About MeI'm Sophie and OCD plays quite a large part in my life even though I don't have it, my sister does. I want to share the resources that helped me and my family get through and most of all raise awareness for those struggling. Archives
February 2017
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